Take a Hint, Romance Writers!

The moment I finished reading Take a Hint, Dani Brown by Talia Hibbert, I decided that I’m FINALLY sick of romance novels.

It’s embarrassing to admit, but I have reached the point where I can look at the table of contents and know exactly how things will unfold in said romance novel (give or take a few chapters).

For example, let’s say there are 20 chapters in our favourite romance novel. Let me sum up, based on my *personal* reading experience, how the story will unfold…

Chapters 1-3: 

We meet our two lovers or soon-to-be lovers, but they don’t know it yet. It’s a casual workplace setting or a bustling city, the place is unimportant, but these two are made for each other. The readers know it, the author knows it, but the characters themselves don’t know it (bummer). They either hate each other, are longtime friends, childhood classmates, or they just met (through an endearing, but overdone meet-cute). Whatever the case may be, readers are along for the ride, no matter how exaggerated the obstacle holding them back may be.

Chapters 4-8: 

Things are starting to heat up in these next few chapters. In “Take a Hint, Dani Brown”, the the fire drill occurs, and Dani is heroically rescued by Zafir in the elevator (all conveniently filmed), as the sudden publicity becomes the steppingstone for their relationship. They begin to exist in each other’s minds as more than just a coworker or friend. In general, the future lovebirds are consistently popping up in the other’s life and mind. They might be bumping into each other in the workplace, showing up for the other as a shoulder to cry on, or there’s a realization that creates a new bond between the two. Perhaps the past classmates realize they actually had a lot in common, how come they were never friends in high school?! Throughout all this, there is a hint of romance in the protagonist’s thoughts, but they always brush it off or mark it as irrational and far-fetched, even though WE know as readers that the other person feels the exact same way. If readers played God, then the story would end much quicker…

Chapters 9-12: 

There are small minor bumps in the road, but nothing they can’t handle. Sometimes the characters go into deep internal turmoil here because they start falling for one another. Their emotions are not feigned or fabricated, there is really something there. BUT of course, they can’t JUST communicate that to one another, that would be completely insane! On the reader’s end, the pressure is mounting, maybe there’s a slight ting of satisfaction, a stuck-up, “I knew it!” or frustration as I scream, “Get together already!” to the lifeless pages. However, it is still early dear romance readers, there are troubled waters ahead.

Chapters 13-16: 

Okay, there’s a big obstacle coming up soon, something that seems almost insurmountable to our budding couple. Maybe an ugly ex rears their head, they get fired for their relationship on the job, or there’s a terrible secret uncovered from their past. Whatever it is, things were TOO good to be true and the reader realizes that they still have several chapters to go, so something tragic is bound to happen. I know it’s a little mean to be excited about a couple’s demise, but I’m always on the edge of my seat here, wracking my brain for they can possibly screw this up.

Chapters 17-18: 

Fight! Fight! Fight! Oh no! Something went wrong. Maybe the self-proclaimed womanizer turns out to actually be a womanizer, one half of the couple is more into their work than their new beau, there’s a secret wife/husband/child, or sometimes it’s as simple as resurfaced trust issues from past relationships. IT REALLY COULD BE ANYTHING. Usually, as a reader, the more unexpected the reason here then the better, but lately, I’ve read a few novels consecutively where I predicted the imploding factor (that’s what we’ll call it) from a mile away. Okay so, Dani mentioned that she was never looking for a serious romantic relationship, and suddenly that’s what the guy wants and it scares her, so she runs away… Please, authors, you’re getting way too good at foreshadowing.

Chapter 19: 

Will they ever come back from something so terrible!? All those times they confided in one another, the secrets they shared are exposed for the world to see (i.e. readers). Oh, Dani had trust issues? Well, we’ll definitely witness it blow up in the couple-to-be’s face… And honestly, all these imploding issues are usually built on bottled feelings and miscommunication. Without these two simple things, romance novels would cease to exist. But we’re human, we’re stubborn, insecure, and indecisive, so of course, this is why romantic relationships play out the way they do. We have an entire genre that breeds off of our insecurities. But don’t get me wrong, I’m totally here for it.

Chapter 20: 

A grand gesture, an epic speech, one final meeting, and our lovers are back in each other’s arms. I know, too good to be true, right? But it’s love and we’re all suckers, so each time it happens, are we even surprised anymore?

Happily Ever After…

Sometimes there’s an epilogue and sometimes we’re left to our own devices. Flash forward five years and they have that home with the terrace that the girl was talking about, in the city that the guy dreamed of living in. They both have prosperous jobs with an immaculate work-life balance that only exists in novels. They own a pet together, or maybe if the author was feeling frisky, they have a kid now. The point being, they are happy. They are living the life they would have NEVER imagined in Chapter 1, or at least THEY couldn’t. The readers, on the other hand, always knew. Like a mother who can sniff your toxic friend from a mile away, readers deserve more credit.

Despite the predictability, we keep reading. I just grabbed my next romance novel, and at this point, it’s not even a guilty pleasure anymore, just pure unabashed pleasure because I know that in this fabricated world, everything is going to be alright.